Chapter 77: The Bottom That Fell from the Sky

The two of them drank together until the afternoon, only returning to the command tent at home when someone from Yellow Earth came to find them.

“You’ve been drinking?” Yellow Earth caught the scent of alcohol on them.

“What’s wrong with you two?!” the Deadman from the East roared in anger. With a major battle approaching, drinking was a punishable offense.

“Exactly, why didn’t you bring me along?” Yellow Earth’s next words nearly made the Deadman’s jaw drop.

“Hey, next time for sure,” White Wood chuckled lightly.

“Ahem… just kidding. Let’s talk business. We really don’t have any great method to counter Minato Namikaze, so we came up with a rather clumsy plan: we’ll launch a synchronized attack with Watchtower Two. Old Four-Tails will tie up Minato on his side, and on ours, the four strongest will strike together,” Yellow Earth said seriously.

“Han, Lord Kakuzu, you… Wait, does the Deadman from the East count as one of the strong?” White Wood glanced with surprise at this utterly average ninja, barely remembering that he was a named character in the original story—a stroke of luck that had spared his life.

“…The fourth strong one is you, Captain White Wood,” Yellow Earth looked at him meaningfully.

“…Me, strong? Hahaha, I never thought my reputation had grown so much! Hahaha!” White Wood scratched his head and laughed foolishly. It seemed the day he would inherit the name of Madara Uchiha was not far off.

“If there are no objections, we’re about to begin the attack. We agreed with Watchtower Two to launch the synchronized assault precisely at one o’clock,” Yellow Earth checked the time—only half an hour remained.

“No objections here. With the four great elites striking together and Kakuzu leading the charge, what chance do the Ino-Shika-Cho trio have of taking me down?” White Wood spread his hands, unconcerned.

“This wave is definitely ours!” Afei chimed in with a confident boast.

***

Half an hour later, Yellow Earth had already led the Iwagakure forces to within a thousand meters of the watchtower—well within its effective firing range. The battlefield still bore traces of blood and scattered limbs, but the bodies had been cleaned up by the Konoha forces. Without chakra to sustain them, the earth-style walls collapsed into mounds of dirt, resembling low, squat graves.

Advancing cautiously, Yellow Earth led his earth-style ninjas, erecting an earth wall every five meters and digging trenches every ten, doing his best to keep his troops from being directly exposed to the watchtower’s firing lines.

White Wood and his men hid at the rear, watching Yellow Earth’s careful advance. Suddenly, he felt the sky darken, as though a huge cloud had drifted overhead…

“What a coincidence, is it going to rain?” White Wood shaded his eyes and looked up.

“Enemy attack…” Shrill cries erupted all around him.

White Wood looked up just in time to see a massive posterior descending upon him—truly a backside, one the likes of which he’d never seen before, and it was still growing larger.

“Holy hell, Choza Akimichi!!!”

Who else in this world but Choza Akimichi, after a Super Multi-Size Technique, could boast a hundred-meter-wide backside?

“Can anyone tell me how Choza Akimichi learned to fly?”

“It’s butterfly wings…” White Wood noticed the red chakra wings fading on Choza Akimichi’s back.

Many believe that in the Ino-Shika-Cho trio, the Akimichi clan are the ‘boar,’ but in truth, they are the ‘butterfly’—and of course, butterflies can fly.

“Super Multi-Size Technique: Rolling Thunder Chopping Board!”

A giant a hundred meters tall descended from the sky in a pose straight out of a slapstick comedy, landing squarely in the midst of the Iwagakure forces. The tremendous impact was nothing less than an A-rank Earthquake Jutsu. The earth walls Yellow Earth’s squad had built were flattened in an instant, and the Iwagakure ninjas were thrown into chaos, scattering in every direction.

“Open fire!” Atop the watchtower, twelve chakra ballistae, already fully charged under the control of Hyuga clan ninjas, unleashed their deadly payloads at the scrambling Iwagakure forces as soon as the order was given.

Ratatatatat… Each shot sliced through the air like a reaper’s scythe, snuffing out Iwagakure lives with ruthless precision.

“My, my… Shikaku Nara truly deserves his reputation as Konoha’s future top strategist—what a brilliant ambush.” White Wood clicked his tongue in admiration. Since they’d been at the rearguard, they’d escaped the worst of it.

“Don’t panic! Raise earth walls! Continue the assault!” Yellow Earth bellowed, rallying his troops. Though caught completely off-guard by the sneak attack, retreating in disgrace was not an option.

But Choza Akimichi’s second strike came immediately—a colossal foot crashing down with world-shattering force, targeting three Iwagakure genin huddled in terror. In seconds, they would be stomped into the ground.

“Earth Style: Grasp of the Great Earth!”

Yellow Earth truly deserved his reputation as Iwagakure’s most dependable leader. Forming hand seals and slamming his palms to the ground, the earth trembled and fractured. A giant arm of stone erupted from the earth, bracing against Choza Akimichi’s descending foot with a cascade of rubble.

“Don’t be afraid! Run!” Encouraged by Yellow Earth, the three young Iwagakure ninjas mustered the courage to dash forward.

“Steam Rising Dragon Fist!”

With a piercing hiss, the steam boiler on Han’s back blasted him skyward, flames of steam propelling him like a rocket. He aimed to shatter Choza Akimichi’s Super Multi-Size Technique with one earth-shaking punch.

“Not so fast—Shadow Stitching Net Jutsu!”

No one knew when Shikaku Nara had slipped into the giant’s pocket, but with a hundred-meter-tall behemoth blotting out the sky, there was ample shadow for him to wield his jutsu. A web of shadowy stitches spread out, ensnaring Han and pinning him midair, leaving him utterly helpless.

“A real man can’t afford to stop here… Boil Release: Veteran Driver Technique!”

A piercing whistle, like a train’s horn, erupted from the boiler on Han’s back. The steam jets on his limbs blasted scalding vapor, massively boosting his strength. The shadow net stretched to its limit, nearly tearing apart, as sweat beaded on Shikaku Nara’s forehead.

“I truly never want to see that monster again in my life. But… this time, I’ll let you sleep soundly.” A handsome young man with a flowing blond ponytail appeared on Choza Akimichi’s shoulder, forming a peculiar seal with his hands.

“Ninja Art: Mind Sleep Body Technique.”

In an instant, his entire soul plunged into Han’s mindscape. There, chained up, was the Five-Tails, King Mu. Raising both hands, he released a wave of hypnotic genjutsu.

As the most talented of the Yamanaka clan’s younger generation, Inoichi Yamanaka was strong enough to invade even a Jinchuriki’s mindscape—though all he could do was send the tailed beast and its host to sleep together. After a brief struggle, Han’s eyes slid shut as he fell into deep slumber.

“This… the situation is looking grim. Time for us to make our move.” White Wood glanced at the stoic Kakuzu beside him. “What’s on your mind, old man? Now isn’t the time for a last-minute price hike—hardly the mark of a professional mercenary.”

“…It’s just, I’ve never seen so many bounties fighting at once. I got distracted.” Kakuzu took a deep breath. In his eyes, a ten-million-ryo bounty was stepping on top of a thirty-million-ryo, a twenty-million was swinging from a fifty-million, and a fifteen-million was taking a nap…

“No big deal. If you can capture those three from Konoha, we’ll cash in the bounties,” White Wood grinned slyly.

“Why capture them? Isn’t it enough to take their heads?” Kakuzu looked at White Wood, puzzled.

“Fool! If you just take their heads, you can only exchange the bounty once. Sooner or later, you’ll kill everyone in the world. But if we capture and release, then capture again and again, we can collect the ransom multiple times, isn’t that better?” White Wood’s smile turned wicked.

“…You’re a true captain,” Kakuzu gave him a thumbs-up.

“Alright, since I showed you a new way to make a living, lend me a heart, will you?” White Wood held out his hand.

“No,” Kakuzu refused curtly. He never did business for free.

“Fine, the usual—I'll rent one!” White Wood prepared to pay up without hesitation.

“Which one do you want?” Kakuzu’s eyes lit up.

“I tried the Lightning one last time—totally wasted that trial card. This time, I’ll take Earth.”

“Earth won’t do—that’s my original heart, it’s been with me a hundred years, I’m deeply attached to it, and it’s the key to my survival technique, Earth Spear…”

“Alright, alright, enough. How much?”

“Ten million ryo.”

“…You drive a hard bargain!” White Wood gritted his teeth, but finally forked over the money. Worst case, he’d sell a few chakra ballistae to Onoki to make it up.

With a squelch, Kakuzu pulled a heart from beneath his yellow mask and handed it to White Wood.